Asking a Wealthy Friend for a Campaign Gift: A True Story

This post tells a true story about a very well-meaning board member who was anxious about approaching his wealthy friend to donate to a capital campaign.

I’m sharing it with you because I suspect there are people on your board who are in a similar situation. You may want to share this post with them.

Steve’s Story: An Anxious Board Member and his Wealthy Friend

Some time ago, I met with a few members of the board of a small but amazing performing arts organization. They had asked me to help them become clearer and more comfortable with asking their friends for money. A worthy undertaking for every board!

During the meeting, Steve, one of the board members, confessed to being unable to approach his very wealthy friend for a gift. He was worried that asking her for money would be inappropriate — that his friendship would be compromised.

Essentially, Steve feared he would no longer be able to have an ‘unloaded’ conversation with his wealthy friend.

Steve was Paralyzed by his Anxiety

Steve knew his friend was interested in music and he had even brought her to one of the organization’s concerts and she liked it. Even so, he couldn’t get himself to take the next step.

But at our meeting, Steve did have the courage to tell the group how anxious and uncomfortable he was about approaching his friend. That gave us the chance to help him figure out what to do next.

Stop and think for a minute. If you were advising Steve, what would have suggested he do next?

What Should Steve Do to Approach His Wealthy Friend?

Here are a few of the suggestions the group came up with. Which, if any, would you advise Steve to do?

• Ask his friend for a relatively low-level gift to the spring fundraising appeal; Steve would include a personal note.
• Invite his friend to another event.
• Email his friend to ask for her permission to approach her for a gift.
• Ask her to host a gathering for the organization in her amazing apartment.
• Ask her for a big gift to commission a composer to write a piece for the group.

As the discussion continued with people making suggestions, I could see Steve weighing the ideas and trying to get over his fear. By his own admission, he was stuck.

What Steve DID Do…

But the next morning, I got an email from Steve with a copy of what he had written and sent to his wealthy friend. It began with a description of his role in the organization and its importance to him.

He went on to describe his uncertainty about whether he should approach her to get involved as a donor or in other ways with the organization. He specifically mentioned his discomfort, using this language:

“Please forgive me if this request is awkward or inappropriate; I am always self-conscious about asking friends for support.”

Then he asked her to meet with him:

“Can we meet to discuss your philanthropic process and priorities? I’d love to discover whether there’s any overlap with the work that my organization does.”

His email was friendly, heartfelt, and earnest. While he didn’t yet ask for a gift, he did ask his friend for the opportunity to determine whether and how she might move the conversation forward.

So, What was the Result?

Steve’s friend emailed him back the very next day with a lovely and chatty email that included this key sentence:

“Yes, we should chat about potential overlaps in our work.”

Bingo!

Steve had opened the door in a clear and specific way. And his friend had indicated that she would be happy to walk through it.

Can a Wealthy Friend Become a Big Donor?

Steve is pleased but still anxious. I think he was hoping that his friend would send a check. In fact, his anxiety almost kept him from seeing that her alternate response was even better.

Had she just sent a check out of a sense of obligation, the door would have been closed. But now, she has invited more conversation to explore their mutual interests. They’re exploring opportunities together.

In other words, the potential exists for her to become a high-level supporter of his cause. What a wonderful outcome!

The Key Takeaway

Regardless of whether a potential donor is a close friend or not, having a conversation with them to learn about what drives their philanthropy is how you build that donor relationship. Never move straight to the ask without understanding what motivates your donor.